Every potential thing that I want to do is blocked from me somehow. I do not have the means to fight. To be honest, I don’t know if I even have the strength anymore. I’ve suffered from depression since puberty, because unfortunately the case I have is hereditary and comes from both sides of my family. I feel like all of the restrictions I have on my life through my parents, my health, and just society in general, are causing my depression to come back in full force. Still, the most prominent thing that I am suffering from is the anxiety. The anxiety is absolutely terrible. I have no income. I cannot work. I cannot make art in my spare time to possibly sell. I cannot start new hobbies that might potentially lead to money. Even hobbies that I was into previously have been destroyed, like my cactus. I am stuck, constantly stuck in this fight or flight mode, always dealing with the symptoms of anxiety. I wake up at night and don’t know what Cougar dating service to do with myself. I cannot fall asleep some nice. The chest pains, the dizziness, the lack of appetite, the voracious hunger, the racing thoughts, the feeling of being a caged animal, I absolutely cannot take it.

I am not stressed out. I have anxiety. I have it badly, and I feel like I am slowly being defined by it. It has made me want to avoid contact with people. It has made me unable to fall asleep without the aid of a sedatitive, because being alone with my own thoughts eventually leads me into a panic. It has taken the fun out of my hobbies because I can no longer focus on them without having the worrying and pain of knowing tomorrow will be no different gnawing at the back of my mind. It has kept me from keeping up completely with my personal hygiene because sometimes I feel too dizzy to stand in the shower. I still try my best, but some days I just fall asleep in my clothes, and others I don’t change out of my pajamas for the entire day.

In summary, anxiety is horrible. It is so much different than stress. It is an all-encompassing mental affliction that saps away your being. and I feel like I am fading away more than ever.

Tuesday,

Without telling my entire life story, I did have to drop out of 4 year college because of a bad case of anemia. After my recovery I began to work and was making very little money. I had decided to go back to college after almost a year of working, and despite my worsening physical and mental health, I continued on with my education. It was only when I got to the very last credit needed for graduation, English literature, that I realized that I had a huge issue with the class. It actually triggered anxiety in me, where I had night terrors, extreme chest pain, and terrible dizzy spells. I was trying my best to fight, but was losing the battle. I absolutely did not want to flee, because all I wanted was to finally graduate. Either way, no option was possible because I could not mentally handle the symptoms I was suffering from taking that class. Though in the end I did have to drop the class, and subsequently tried and dropped two more times, flight was never considered an option for me until the very last moment.

I don’t cope very well with failure. I wanted to raise dragonfruit cacti, but my parents did not allow me to bring my cactus into the house this year because it was way too large, and it died due to the cold weather in the garage. That was six years of nurture and around $200 worth of actual cactus and trellis wasted. It absolutely broke my heart. I have taken up an interest in frogs, and proposed raising a few in order to start a breeding operation. In order to do so, I would have to keep each frog for about a year until they are mature enough to go through the breeding process. By then, I would hope, I would somehow have moved out so my parents would not have to deal with the breeding.

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